The Transparent Pastor

John Newton has long been one of my favorite figures from church history. He is best known for penning Amazing Grace.

Last week I wrote about group therapy. This is a concept based on transparency.  One of the requirements of transparency is humility. Humility requires one to own their own stuff.

John Newton's humility was incredible.  He owned his stuff. I ran across one of his lesser known hymns today which as much as Amazing Grace, demonstrates his humility.

Lovest Thou Me?

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'Tis a point I long to know, Oft it causes anxious thought; Do I love the Lord, or no? Am I his, or am I not? If I love, why am I thus? Why this dull and lifeless frame? Hardly, sure, can they be worse, Who have never heard his name! Could my heart so hard remain, Prayer a task and burden prove; Every trifle give me pain, If I knew a Saviour's love? When I turn my eyes within, All is dark, and vain, and wild; Filled with unbelief and sin, Can I deem myself a child? If I pray, or hear, or read, Sin is mixed with all I do; You that love the Lord indeed, Tell me, Is it thus with you? Yet I mourn my stubborn will, Find my sin, a grief, and thrall; Should I grieve for what I feel, If I did not love at all? Could I joy his saints to meet, Choose the ways I once abhorred, Find, at times, the promise sweet, If I did not love the Lord? Lord decide the doubtful case! Thou who art thy people's sun; Shine upon thy work of grace, If it be indeed begun. Let me love thee more and more, If I love at all, I pray; If I have not loved before,Help me to begin today.

Group Therapy & The Church

Before reading this post, please take the time to watch the Chonda Pierce video posted below.

I've recently been a part of a facebook conversation that brought me back to a familiar soap box issue I have. It's much more than a "pet peeve". It is a passion, often a raging passion... the lack of genuineness and transparency in the church.  Until a few years ago, I really had no idea how to deal with this issue... then I attended my first group therapy session.

As a student in both my bachelor's and master's degree programs I was required to attend local group sessions and report on the process. Additionally, I participated in group sessions while taking courses on group therapy. In fact, I actually considered many of my classes/courses to be group therapy sessions. The professors were as concerned about where we were with our own issues as the content of the lesson plan. That left the door open for group dynamics to do their work.

The first group I attended was an Alcoholics Anonymous group. The group met at a local restaurant over the noon hour.  I left the group at the end and placed a call to my dad, who happens to be a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, and moderator for several AA groups.  I said "Dad, the meeting I just left was more like a church service than any church service I've ever been in.  That's got to be what Jesus had in mind for the church." He of course agreed and we shared thoughts and experiences for a while.

I started this blog to complain, and indeed wrote several paragraphs outlining the dangers of what church has become and why it has become that way. I decided rather than complaining about how things are, I should just start doing it the right way. (If you want to know what I wrote in those paragraphs, shoot me an email and I'll send it to you.)

We should not be afraid to be transparent and genuine with one another in the church.  Neither should we fear judgment, retribution, attack, disqualification or punishment. Those are God's tools if he chooses to use them not ours. All we should expect is unconditional love and acceptance from His children. Mike Yaconelli wrote a great book in 2007 before he died. It's called Messy Spirituality.  I think he's got a good grasp on the church as "group".

Doing it the right way...  Here goes.... 

Hi, I'm Kelly and I am a human.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. The economy is down, so missions giving is down, so finances are tough right now. Micah graduated from flight school in Arizona, and Alisa and I were unable to attend. That was very disappointing. Alisa had to leave yesterday to help take care of her grandmother in Texas. She has traveled a lot this year and I miss her.   I have been prone to bouts of depression the last several years and suffer from anxiety attacks for which I take medication daily. (If you aren't sure what an anxiety attack is just imagine feeling like you are drowning on dry land).  The stresses mentioned above exacerbate these conditions. Some nights I have trouble getting to sleep. Other nights I go right off to sleep but wake up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. I just wish there was an on/off switch for my mind I could flip off at night. At this point if we were brave enough to share the above information in church we would say something spiritual like, "but God is good and he'll see me through"  but in group we just say...with that I'll pass to the next person.



Charis,

Kell

"Rehab & Recovery" By Chonda Pierce Part 2

Autobiography of Melanie Ward

16 years ago today, Melanie Elizabeth came into our world. My little girl is growing up way too fast.

Last week, she came in with a homework assignment for me. Her teacher had actually assigned homework to me! At first thought, I was a little peeved. I've been through High School, College, and Grad School. I didn't want homework. However, after reading the instructions, I was honored to complete the assignment. Melanie was to ask someone who had known her for her whole life to write a 1 to 2 page autobiography. I thought I would share what I wrote.




The Authorized Autobiography of Melanie Ward
By: M. Kelly Ward, Dad

WHAT????? The doctor had just announced, “It’s a girl!” Melanie’s mom and I were both stunned. Three sonograms had predicted another boy. We were elated! Our second child was a beautiful little girl. I knew from the beginning raising a daughter would be much different than raising our son had been. For starters, the little boy outfit purchased for only $12.00 for our baby’s trip home was quickly returned. In its place Melanie’s grandmother and great aunt purchased a handmade dress, slip, bib, socks, shoes, and hat; over $100.00. I could not understand why a baby needed a slip, which cost more than the outfit we bought for the boy. The differences continued to mount up from there.
Soon Melanie had me wrapped around her little finger. I was smitten by my little girl. As she grew and began walking and talking, my son learned the value of using his little sister. When he wanted something, ice cream, candy, etc, he would talk his little sister into asking me for it. He knew it was much harder for me to look into her big brown eyes and tell her no, than to tell him no.
Melanie made friends quickly and adapted to her surroundings easily through elementary school and junior high. She has excelled as a student, musician, dancer, and athlete. Melanie has a wall full of medals, certificates, ribbons, plaques, etc. representing her many accomplishments. However, for her mom and I, we are more proud of who she is rather than what she has done. She is a strong and independent young woman. Responsibility and leadership come naturally for her. I have never seen someone more comfortable in his or her own skin. She is unafraid of her emotions. When it comes to relationships, she is fiercely loyal. Melanie has earned our trust through time and time again, doing the right thing. She knows that doing the right thing doesn’t just involve following the rules. It often includes generosity, going the extra mile, forgiveness, loyalty, humility, etc. Of course Melanie is a teenager, and isn’t perfect, but as Alabama used to sing, “She’s close enough to perfect for me.”

A Little Survey

Recently I was listening to a friend's podcast. He mentioned a survey he had read sometime back. The study surveyed 50 people over the age of 95.

The main question was this: "What is your greatest regret?"

The responses were as follows:

#1    I wish I had taken more risks in life…started that business, taken that trip, got that education, etc.

#2    I wish I had reflected more during the different seasons of life…lived more in the moment rather than rushing through life.

#3    I wish I had left something that would live on after me…something with eternal purpose.

I decided to do my own unscientific survey via facebook. I listed the three answers above, and asked for my friends 55 years old and above to vote for the response they most identified with. I believe all the answers were very valid. I really expected the results to be similar to the original survey. However, overwhelmingly the respondents chose #3.

It seems to my way of thinking that #1 and #3 almost go hand in hand. In order to leave something lasting, there are inherent risks. When we initially moved to San Antonio to work in the inner city, Alisa and I visited all the A/G churches in San Antonio. We asked for people to help us with the ministry. Out of the hundreds maybe thousands we spoke to, only a couple responded. Two years later, we went back through all the churches to give an update. Over and over, at every church individuals would come to us and say, "We really felt like we were supposed to work with you, but we just never took the step." It was quite depressing for us! All that help just setting out there, but no one acting on the opportunity. These folks had every opportunity to leave something that would have an eternal impact, but they weren't willing to take the risk.

So my analysis of my little survey? #3 may be your biggest regret, but you'll never get to #3, without going through #1.

 

Knowledge vs. Wisdom, Power vs. Strength

Finishing my grad degree was a wonderful thing. It has elicited a number of comments from colleagues and friends. The most often and most notable comment has been, "So, do you feel any smarter?" I understand the joke behind the question, however, it got me to thinking. My answer to the question may be surprising. Education has not made me feel smarter, quite the contrary It has opened my eyes to so much I still don't know… so much I still need to learn.

I have heard the oft repeated phrase, Knowledge is Power. I've come to see the correctness of the phrase in some instances. Knowledge is Power if power is what you are looking for. The problem seems however, that both knowledge and power are fleeting. I may have knowledge in a specific setting that gives me power over others. Nevertheless, things change, knowledge today is tomorrows history. I sat at the funeral of a lady yesterday who lived 95 years. The minister said, "she lived from horse and buggy to International Space Station." The knowledge of horse and buggy gives no power today.

It seems to me, having the wisdom to know what you don't know, may be in the end more powerful than knowledge and the power it brings. I think maybe real strength comes more from knowing what you don't know, than knowing what you know. Awkward sentence I know. Let me try it this way. I can bluster with power through a situation I may not know everything about just to get to the end I want. However, I tend to leave a bloody trail. People get hurt, things get blown down and damaged in my wake of power. I get what I want, but to what expense? Rather, if instead of barging in with power, I step back, assess, find my weaknesses, admit my weaknesses. Then either personally strengthen the area, or allow others with appropriate knowledge to come along with me on the journey, I still get the result I want, but I have brought others with me, built bridges, and left construction rather than destruction in my wake.

Writing this blog has been a process over several days. During this process I heard a concept worth noting in this context. My friend Malcolm commented in a meeting I was in about leadership. He said, you can approach leadership as a king or a father. A King uses his subjects to build his kingdom. However, a father uses his kingdom to build his subjects. Wow.

I have been reminded of my teenage and twenty something self several times lately by a teenager and a twenty-one year old in my life. I was so smart back then. Had an opinion and information on everything. I also felt it was important for me to express that knowledge and opinion to everyone. I have chuckled at myself as I have listened to the knowledge of the teenager several times the last few weeks. Frankly I've been annoyed at myself and the twenty-one year old who thinks he knows it all. I guess it boils down to it is cute when they are young, but irritating the older they get. As a forty something I have seen the trails of damage knowledge used for power can create. It is very irritating, no it's downright aggravating to see. This is especially so in the context of ministry.

Unfortunately some concepts of the secular business world have crept into the church, where indeed knowledge is power and the perception of weakness is dangerous. We've developed this idea, that Christians must know it all (especially those of us in ministry). If a Christian doesn't, he should act like he does. Wouldn't it be better if we could just confess our weaknesses to each other, and allow our weaknesses to be made strong by one another. Add to that the freedom from prosecution by others and we've got a great way to live. I guess I should mention, that idea is not original with me. I'm really not even good at it myself. It may even seem a quixotic notion. Maybe it's not possible this side of Heaven. Sure sounds nice though.

 

Charis,

Kell

Wild Goose Chase

It has been quite a while since I've posted a blog. Over a year infact. Grad. school tends to take the fun out of writing. Now that it is behind me, I hope to become more regular with posting.

Several weeks ago, Alisa came home from a trip talking about an excerpt she had read from a book. She then purchased the book and read it. At one point she read some to me. I confess, I really did not like what it had to say. It affected her very strangley. She started behaving very uncharacteristically, and I really didn't like that either. She started being nice to people she had no business being nice to. However, at her insistance, I began reading the book. To be honest, there are parts I still do not like very much.

I am reminded of a scene in A Few Good Men. Tom Cruise playing the young and impetuous Lt. lawyer is pushing for Jack Nicholson to tell the truth on the stand. Jack in his blustering way playing the part of Col. Nathan Jessep replies "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

Quite honestly, I couldn't handle nor did I want the truth the book spoke. Mark Batterson (2008) writes in Wild Goose Chase, "If you want to impact someone's life, love them when they least expect it and least deserve it" (p. 104). I'm sorry, I've been through some things that leave me shaking my head at this quote. I'm just being transparent here. I'm mad at some folks, and I like my mad. It gives me comfort and more importantly control... or at least the perception of control.

Then Batterson has the audacity to go and reference Jesus in relation to love and forgiveness. The problem with holding back love and grace is it's propensity to produce large amounts of guilt for me. Guilt is no good for anyone. My counseling professors taught us the incredible effects of guilt on individuals seeking counseling.

Batterson puts it this way, "Guilt has a shrinking effect. It shrinks our dreams. It shrinks our relationships. it shrinks our hearts. It shrinks our lives to the size of our greatest failures.
Grace has the opposite effect. it expands our dreams. it expands our relationships. It expands our hearts. And it gives us the courage to chase the Wild Goose (the Holy Spirit) all the way to the ends of the earth" (p. 114).

So suffice it to say, I'm working on getting my mind and actions around this truth. I still don't like it mind you. But just as I don't like the taste of the medicines and vitamins I take daily, I know they are good for me and so is this nugget of truth.